Dog Days....

Dog Days....

A couple of times a year, I get the miseries up.   Don't know why - don't really care, I just wish they'd go away because they're not welcome.  They turn me introspective in a way that is not conducive to happiness. Random things pop into my head and make me wonder, was anything done in the past, actually worth the effort?  The question...no...the statement  that decided to take a stroll round my head was the realisation that I had become what I feared, and I feared what I had become. But when I thought about it - really thought about it, I didn't actually know what it was that I feared in the first place!  

If I go back to teenage-hood where at least if I said something, sometimes it did actually matter and have an impact, I couldn't really pinpoint what I feared.  I mean, I feared the dentist - but I did not become a dentist. That's not quite what I mean....it's something less tangible - like being alone in a crowd and lonely in a room full of friends. I now can see I'm not happy with what I've become and although many would say it's never too late to change, for me, I think it is.  I am too opinionated and too mercurial so if people are going to remember me, it's not necessarily for anything good. There will always be a qualifying "but" in every remembrance. 

Maybe it's the old dog, new tricks scenario. Maybe it's the realisation that if I have to break myself down into my 'component' selves, at some point, maybe some really important bits will get lost, or what friends that remain from my teenage days may either realise they were fooled, or that they really don't like certain components after all. That's what adulthood permits us to do. Walk away from our mistakes and hopefully, if we can't face them head on in the future, we at least can verbalise our reasons for walking away instead of staying and persisting to see if the whatever the problem is that creates the mistake, can be fixed.


Oh well, I guess I'll see.