A Could Have Been Kind of Love
A Short Story.
needs a bit of work
Midway through the service, she slipped quietly into the back row of the small chapel, adjusting her hat and small veil as she did so. Her desire to be unrecognized fought with her need to run. Although she herself had faced death, Lily had refused to look at it in the flesh. Today she would change that. She listened to the remaining words being spoken by the minister, and sang quietly to herself the closing hymn, wondering what Daniel would have thought of it all.
People began to rise and leave the chapel to the quiet tones of a classical piano and as she looked up, Lily noticed that the attendants were about to close the coffin. As quickly and unobtrusively as possible, she made her way to the front and put her hand out to stop the closing. She looked at Daniel, so vital in life, now looking almost like a hand painted statue. She kissed two of her fingers and pressed them to his forhead whispering “Thank you”. She felt someone beside her and went to move on but was stopped by a hand on her arm.
“Lily”. It was Sonya, former co-worker, friend and sometimes confidente whom she had not seen in eight years, for no reason other than there had just been no reason. Both busy women, busy lives filled with children and husbands. “Daniel would have been surprised” Sonya said with a grin on her face. “I am too, for the record”.
“Sonnie! I thought I’d managed to creep in without notice. Everyone else is at the door or outside.
“What did you mean by ‘Thank you’? Sonya asked.
Lily removed her hat, she didn’t like wearing them and it was just another part of a mask she wore on a daily basis – another piece of costumery. “He gave me my first job. That’s all.”
“But why come in at the end? I mean, it was a lovely service and I’m sure his brothers would have loved to have seen you. Are you okay?”
Lily gave Sonya a quick hug , “I’m fine, just facing demons and revisiting a few memories. Tell me, what was the date of his death?” she asked as she quickly put her hat back on and glanced at the waiting attendants.
“The 5th, why do you ask? Sonya replied with a curious look on her face.
“I’m sorry Sonnie – really, I…I must go. Maybe we’ll catch up again soon. I’m in the book.” And in saying so she walked quickly down the aisle of the small chapel into the brightness of the outside world, snaking her way through the gathering of mourners that had formed at the front of the chapel. Keeping her head down low, she made her way towards her car. Halfway down the rose lined pathway she heard her name called out in a voice she never thought she would hear again.
“Lily! Lily!” She kept walking, pretending not to have heard over the voices of the crowd.
“Daisy!” Lily stopped dead. No one else had ever called her by that name.
Nathan. The tall older brother, the only one of the four she had really gotten along with. Max she never really knew, Daniel was the boss and Jeremy was – well, Jeremy was Jeremy. She spent half her time avoiding his clutches, the other half despairing she’d ever get anything right if Jason, the Manager, had his way.
Lily started to walk again but her hesitation had given Nathan the chance to catch up with her. “Daisy, stop.” His hand reached out and held her by the elbow. She looked up into his faded blue eyes, noting at the same time the strength that emanated from presence. He did not look like a man in his sixties.
“Nate…I must go” she started to pull away needing desperately to leave.”
“Why did you come then my Daisy? If not to pay your respects to Daniel and the family?”
Lily sighed, “I really….I don’t….no-one has called me Daisy in over 20 years Nathan…I just…”she searched desperately for an answer that would satisfy.
“Lily….no – Daisy…it suited you much more. I always thought that Lillies were the flower for funerals, and you weren’t meant for funerals…Lily….why?”
With barely a whisper, Lily replied “You. I came because of you.”
Nate was silent and still. He reached out and pulled Lily closer, removed her hat and looked down into her face. “You’re still my Daisy, Lily. And I’ve not forgotten – never forgotten you. Come, we need to talk.” And in saying so he lead her towards the Garden of Remembrance, where white bench seats were scattered amongst the standard rose Memorial beds, surrounded by a rainbow of smaller flowering plants, Lilies and Daisys included, all of which was so perfectly manicured it was almost surreal.
“Lily. It’s been twenty years. I may be an old man but there is nothing wrong with my memory. I’ve not seen you since….”
“Nate – it isn’t necessary, it really isn’t, I’ve got to go….”
He cut her off. “No. I need to say this. I had no right!” Lily’s eye’s flashed as she spoke sharply
“So you regret it then – it was nothing? I turned you down, as simple as that! It was nothing, so why bring it up?
“No, no I don’t regret it.” He reached out and stroked her hair. “I often think of you when the Daisies fill the garden – I’m sure Gail must think I’m barmy, a sixty year old man mooning over a flower. I’ve always had Daisys in the garden…all different types.” Lily sat quietly, her cheeks burning. “Lily, why did you really come today?”
“So you and Gail got married then?” Lily asked trying to change the subject. I don’t read the newspaper…it was happenstance that I saw Daniel’s funeral notice. I just wanted to say thank you to him…being my first boss, and a good one.” She gave a bitter laugh, “I’ve had some rotters over the years.”
“No, Gail and I never did get married. We’ve been together for nearly twenty-six years and never really thought a piece of paper would make a difference. No more, no less.” So – your turn
Yet another sigh, how much to tell? With her head down, hiding again, she began. “Nathan, I’m a forty year old woman with a husband and children that I love……really love! But I always felt something was just….missing from me. I’ve always felt kind of, outside of myself. Like I wasn’t really inside me being me. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be.” She halted, wondering how to go on.
“Nate, I had a dream. In it were you and your brothers – Daniel was so young it was like a shock. He was as young as the day he interviewed me, which really…well – you know, he was in his thirties but he was so vital and young and I thought it was Max….or maybe one of his sons. Nathan,” she looked everywhere, anywhere but at him and focused on a carpet of white alyssum. “I dreamed it the day he died.”
At Nathan’s sharp intake of breath she looked at him briefly, but it was long enough. He was right, he could always read her well. Every thing she felt, he used to say, was in her eyes and she could never get away from those tells that would show. At least, not with him. “Go on.”
“It was like a reunion of sorts, everyone was there from the old days, everyone except for Jason thank goodness. But it was focused on you brothers. I saw Daniel, he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, Max and Jeremy the same although Jeremy tried to push it.
“Then you came in and I just…you held me so tight….so tight….and you kissed me. Not like your brothers, not like a friend, you really kissed me.” Nathan took her face in his hands, stroking each cheek with his thumbs. Lily didn’t notice as her tears flowed, feeling more than a little embarrassed. “That day you took me home, you have no idea how much….how much I really did want you to kiss me, to hold me too….I just…..the dream – the dream, that feeling was…is everything I have been looking for I think. I have never, in my life experienced the emotion of love that strongly – in reality…that I felt in that dream. God help me – I was only twenty! I knew nothing, not really. All I knew was that even though I said no, it was a choice I made. Whether it was right or wrong has no bearing on my life except that the dream brought to me what love should feel like.
As she spoke, her head had dropped lower and lower. She could no longer look at Nathan. She didn’t want to see the rejection, she didn’t want to face him but he lifted her face towards his with his finger and looked steadily into her eyes. “I loved you you know. I always have, and I always will. You’ll always be my little Daisy…as old as you are” He laughed softly as he saw her cheeks flush “It’s one of those things….it’s a ‘could have been’ kind of love”.
“Which wasn’t fair on Gail” Lily stopped him. “And that’s why I stopped you.”
“And that’s why you resigned?” Nathan asked softly.
Lily shook her head adamantly. “No! Oh, it would have been a bit awkward but Jason came back. He left not long after I resigned the first time. He was the reason then, and he was the reason the last time as well. He made it so difficult to…to just do anything right!” She shook with remembered fury and helplessness.
“So many times I would be doing something and he would take over and he would condescendingly show me how to do something”. I was having difficulties with my landlord…but no, it was Jason, always Jason. Infuriating, frustrating, bullying....”
“Daisy….we need to….Lily….I want to….” Nathan stammered to a stop and gave up. Instead, he leaned forward and softly kissed Lily, gently at first and then with a growing intensity. “And that my beautiful Daisy is something I’ve waited twenty years for”.
Lily looked up at her former employer and smiled through her tears. “And that, Nathan, is exactly how it felt in the dream. Thank you. For making a dream come true”. At that, Lily picked up her hat and walked away, not looking back, only forward.
When she got home, she held her husband close and whispered in his ear “I love you”, and, when the children got home from school she held them so tightly they squirmed with embarrassment complaining that it "hurts mummy" and don't squeeze do hard mummy".
Several months later, a large envelope from a solicitor’s office was delivered to her door requiring her signature. Opening it curiously, she peered inside to find two sealed envelopes, one with hand writing vaguely familiar, the other – not recognizable at all. Shrugging she opened the first one and saw the signature. It was Nathan’s. “To my Daisy…I asked Gail to marry me the day of Daniel’s funeral. We got married six weeks later. Thank you, Daisy, for everything you ever meant to me and for your loyalty to a woman you never met. Our time in the garden will be with me for the rest of my days. All my love Lily, Nate.”
A warm feeling filled her as Lily opened the second letter, this time the signature read Gail. “Dear Lily, as I’m sure Nathan would have written in his letter, we got married finally, after all those years. So many marriages fail before they even reach the end of their first year, I think we both felt afraid it would happen to us. Relationships change with marriage and we liked what we had. But after Daniel’s funeral, Nathan changed. He told me what happened in the garden, but I knew anyway…I saw you both and as I watched, I could see it for what it was. A completion of something that began a long time ago. I never knew what part of himself he kept hidden, I do now and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you gave him the opportunity to give of himself to me fully. At fifty-eight years old I was a blushing bride!
But I had him as a husband just a short time, and I think he knew that was going to be the case because we discussed you and he and all of us, what his wishes were.. He died in his sleep three weeks ago, peacefully, quietly, with a smile on his face. He didn’t want you to know because he wanted you to remember him as he was. As he put it ”A bit of a dodderer but still good for a wave or two”. He loved his surfing. We scattered his ashes over the water at his request, and no notices were put in the newspaper. He said to tell you “Daisy, just remember the ‘could have been kind of love’”.
With my sincerest regards, Gail.
A Short Story.
needs a bit of work
Midway through the service, she slipped quietly into the back row of the small chapel, adjusting her hat and small veil as she did so. Her desire to be unrecognized fought with her need to run. Although she herself had faced death, Lily had refused to look at it in the flesh. Today she would change that. She listened to the remaining words being spoken by the minister, and sang quietly to herself the closing hymn, wondering what Daniel would have thought of it all.
People began to rise and leave the chapel to the quiet tones of a classical piano and as she looked up, Lily noticed that the attendants were about to close the coffin. As quickly and unobtrusively as possible, she made her way to the front and put her hand out to stop the closing. She looked at Daniel, so vital in life, now looking almost like a hand painted statue. She kissed two of her fingers and pressed them to his forhead whispering “Thank you”. She felt someone beside her and went to move on but was stopped by a hand on her arm.
“Lily”. It was Sonya, former co-worker, friend and sometimes confidente whom she had not seen in eight years, for no reason other than there had just been no reason. Both busy women, busy lives filled with children and husbands. “Daniel would have been surprised” Sonya said with a grin on her face. “I am too, for the record”.
“Sonnie! I thought I’d managed to creep in without notice. Everyone else is at the door or outside.
“What did you mean by ‘Thank you’? Sonya asked.
Lily removed her hat, she didn’t like wearing them and it was just another part of a mask she wore on a daily basis – another piece of costumery. “He gave me my first job. That’s all.”
“But why come in at the end? I mean, it was a lovely service and I’m sure his brothers would have loved to have seen you. Are you okay?”
Lily gave Sonya a quick hug , “I’m fine, just facing demons and revisiting a few memories. Tell me, what was the date of his death?” she asked as she quickly put her hat back on and glanced at the waiting attendants.
“The 5th, why do you ask? Sonya replied with a curious look on her face.
“I’m sorry Sonnie – really, I…I must go. Maybe we’ll catch up again soon. I’m in the book.” And in saying so she walked quickly down the aisle of the small chapel into the brightness of the outside world, snaking her way through the gathering of mourners that had formed at the front of the chapel. Keeping her head down low, she made her way towards her car. Halfway down the rose lined pathway she heard her name called out in a voice she never thought she would hear again.
“Lily! Lily!” She kept walking, pretending not to have heard over the voices of the crowd.
“Daisy!” Lily stopped dead. No one else had ever called her by that name.
Nathan. The tall older brother, the only one of the four she had really gotten along with. Max she never really knew, Daniel was the boss and Jeremy was – well, Jeremy was Jeremy. She spent half her time avoiding his clutches, the other half despairing she’d ever get anything right if Jason, the Manager, had his way.
Lily started to walk again but her hesitation had given Nathan the chance to catch up with her. “Daisy, stop.” His hand reached out and held her by the elbow. She looked up into his faded blue eyes, noting at the same time the strength that emanated from presence. He did not look like a man in his sixties.
“Nate…I must go” she started to pull away needing desperately to leave.”
“Why did you come then my Daisy? If not to pay your respects to Daniel and the family?”
Lily sighed, “I really….I don’t….no-one has called me Daisy in over 20 years Nathan…I just…”she searched desperately for an answer that would satisfy.
“Lily….no – Daisy…it suited you much more. I always thought that Lillies were the flower for funerals, and you weren’t meant for funerals…Lily….why?”
With barely a whisper, Lily replied “You. I came because of you.”
Nate was silent and still. He reached out and pulled Lily closer, removed her hat and looked down into her face. “You’re still my Daisy, Lily. And I’ve not forgotten – never forgotten you. Come, we need to talk.” And in saying so he lead her towards the Garden of Remembrance, where white bench seats were scattered amongst the standard rose Memorial beds, surrounded by a rainbow of smaller flowering plants, Lilies and Daisys included, all of which was so perfectly manicured it was almost surreal.
“Lily. It’s been twenty years. I may be an old man but there is nothing wrong with my memory. I’ve not seen you since….”
“Nate – it isn’t necessary, it really isn’t, I’ve got to go….”
He cut her off. “No. I need to say this. I had no right!” Lily’s eye’s flashed as she spoke sharply
“So you regret it then – it was nothing? I turned you down, as simple as that! It was nothing, so why bring it up?
“No, no I don’t regret it.” He reached out and stroked her hair. “I often think of you when the Daisies fill the garden – I’m sure Gail must think I’m barmy, a sixty year old man mooning over a flower. I’ve always had Daisys in the garden…all different types.” Lily sat quietly, her cheeks burning. “Lily, why did you really come today?”
“So you and Gail got married then?” Lily asked trying to change the subject. I don’t read the newspaper…it was happenstance that I saw Daniel’s funeral notice. I just wanted to say thank you to him…being my first boss, and a good one.” She gave a bitter laugh, “I’ve had some rotters over the years.”
“No, Gail and I never did get married. We’ve been together for nearly twenty-six years and never really thought a piece of paper would make a difference. No more, no less.” So – your turn
Yet another sigh, how much to tell? With her head down, hiding again, she began. “Nathan, I’m a forty year old woman with a husband and children that I love……really love! But I always felt something was just….missing from me. I’ve always felt kind of, outside of myself. Like I wasn’t really inside me being me. I felt that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be.” She halted, wondering how to go on.
“Nate, I had a dream. In it were you and your brothers – Daniel was so young it was like a shock. He was as young as the day he interviewed me, which really…well – you know, he was in his thirties but he was so vital and young and I thought it was Max….or maybe one of his sons. Nathan,” she looked everywhere, anywhere but at him and focused on a carpet of white alyssum. “I dreamed it the day he died.”
At Nathan’s sharp intake of breath she looked at him briefly, but it was long enough. He was right, he could always read her well. Every thing she felt, he used to say, was in her eyes and she could never get away from those tells that would show. At least, not with him. “Go on.”
“It was like a reunion of sorts, everyone was there from the old days, everyone except for Jason thank goodness. But it was focused on you brothers. I saw Daniel, he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, Max and Jeremy the same although Jeremy tried to push it.
“Then you came in and I just…you held me so tight….so tight….and you kissed me. Not like your brothers, not like a friend, you really kissed me.” Nathan took her face in his hands, stroking each cheek with his thumbs. Lily didn’t notice as her tears flowed, feeling more than a little embarrassed. “That day you took me home, you have no idea how much….how much I really did want you to kiss me, to hold me too….I just…..the dream – the dream, that feeling was…is everything I have been looking for I think. I have never, in my life experienced the emotion of love that strongly – in reality…that I felt in that dream. God help me – I was only twenty! I knew nothing, not really. All I knew was that even though I said no, it was a choice I made. Whether it was right or wrong has no bearing on my life except that the dream brought to me what love should feel like.
As she spoke, her head had dropped lower and lower. She could no longer look at Nathan. She didn’t want to see the rejection, she didn’t want to face him but he lifted her face towards his with his finger and looked steadily into her eyes. “I loved you you know. I always have, and I always will. You’ll always be my little Daisy…as old as you are” He laughed softly as he saw her cheeks flush “It’s one of those things….it’s a ‘could have been’ kind of love”.
“Which wasn’t fair on Gail” Lily stopped him. “And that’s why I stopped you.”
“And that’s why you resigned?” Nathan asked softly.
Lily shook her head adamantly. “No! Oh, it would have been a bit awkward but Jason came back. He left not long after I resigned the first time. He was the reason then, and he was the reason the last time as well. He made it so difficult to…to just do anything right!” She shook with remembered fury and helplessness.
“So many times I would be doing something and he would take over and he would condescendingly show me how to do something”. I was having difficulties with my landlord…but no, it was Jason, always Jason. Infuriating, frustrating, bullying....”
“Daisy….we need to….Lily….I want to….” Nathan stammered to a stop and gave up. Instead, he leaned forward and softly kissed Lily, gently at first and then with a growing intensity. “And that my beautiful Daisy is something I’ve waited twenty years for”.
Lily looked up at her former employer and smiled through her tears. “And that, Nathan, is exactly how it felt in the dream. Thank you. For making a dream come true”. At that, Lily picked up her hat and walked away, not looking back, only forward.
When she got home, she held her husband close and whispered in his ear “I love you”, and, when the children got home from school she held them so tightly they squirmed with embarrassment complaining that it "hurts mummy" and don't squeeze do hard mummy".
Several months later, a large envelope from a solicitor’s office was delivered to her door requiring her signature. Opening it curiously, she peered inside to find two sealed envelopes, one with hand writing vaguely familiar, the other – not recognizable at all. Shrugging she opened the first one and saw the signature. It was Nathan’s. “To my Daisy…I asked Gail to marry me the day of Daniel’s funeral. We got married six weeks later. Thank you, Daisy, for everything you ever meant to me and for your loyalty to a woman you never met. Our time in the garden will be with me for the rest of my days. All my love Lily, Nate.”
A warm feeling filled her as Lily opened the second letter, this time the signature read Gail. “Dear Lily, as I’m sure Nathan would have written in his letter, we got married finally, after all those years. So many marriages fail before they even reach the end of their first year, I think we both felt afraid it would happen to us. Relationships change with marriage and we liked what we had. But after Daniel’s funeral, Nathan changed. He told me what happened in the garden, but I knew anyway…I saw you both and as I watched, I could see it for what it was. A completion of something that began a long time ago. I never knew what part of himself he kept hidden, I do now and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you gave him the opportunity to give of himself to me fully. At fifty-eight years old I was a blushing bride!
But I had him as a husband just a short time, and I think he knew that was going to be the case because we discussed you and he and all of us, what his wishes were.. He died in his sleep three weeks ago, peacefully, quietly, with a smile on his face. He didn’t want you to know because he wanted you to remember him as he was. As he put it ”A bit of a dodderer but still good for a wave or two”. He loved his surfing. We scattered his ashes over the water at his request, and no notices were put in the newspaper. He said to tell you “Daisy, just remember the ‘could have been kind of love’”.
With my sincerest regards, Gail.
