Shards

Always back up your data.  Always. Always. Always.  I was taught better than what I had been practising.  Thank God I had at some point managed to back up most of my website writing documents onto my external hard drive.  There would have been a lot inaccessible until I'd managed to mount my other HD into this particular computer.  So, now that I'm breathing a little easier....and because it's Monday Morning and I'm 2 bodies short of awake children....a cheat.  This one is a song - with no music....as is usual

SHARDS

Running on the edge of a razor blade
wondering which side Is the bed I made
Don't look forwards, don't look back
thoughts in-turned to keep on track
Dancing on the edge of razor wire
one side hell and one side fire
Can't move to the back nor to the for
When did we begin this war.

Sitting still I often wonder
sit so still and linger longer
on memories and all the times
I felt the need to apologise
For things I did and didn't do,
for things I thought and hoped were true
Like watching shapes within the clouds
but all they were, were crying clowns.

Standing on the shards of broken glass
Being brave and being crass
Breaking up inside myself
I put myself back on the shelf.
Stepping on the tips of rusty nails
I thought I looked beyond the pale
found myself locked within its gates
It's gone to far it's far too late.

Blowing wishes in the air
Watch them float without a care
To become a weed in someone's life
Create a mess of grief and strife
Wishing that the grass was green
This side of the fence it seems
Pandora's box is opened wide
And all but hope is left inside

Running on the edge of a razor blade
wondering which side Is the bed I made
Don't look forwards, don't look back
thoughts in-turned to keep on track
Standing on the shards of broken glass
Being brave and being crass
Breaking up inside myself
I put myself back on the shelf.
Stepping on the tips of rusty nails
I thought I looked beyond the pale
found myself locked within it's gates
It's gone to far it's far too late.
Dancing on the edge of razor wire
one side hell and one side fire
Can't move to the back nor to the for
When did we begin this war.

Cats cradle with a spiders web
Stuck by fear inside my head
In case of fire please break the glass
All good things they will come to pass
Til that time it's barbed wire fences
Idle thoughts and idle dances
watching through a mirror so dark
reflecting what is inside my heart

Running on the edge of a razor blade
wondering which side Is the bed I made
Don't look forwards, don't look back
thoughts in-turned to keep on track
Dancing on the edge of razor wire
one side hell and one side fire
Can't move to the back nor to the for
When did we begin this war.

 .

Sea Glass

Today I sat and listened.

 

 I went on a mission for sea glass and came away so relaxed it didn't hurt to climb the hill back home.

More than that...I listened to the water. To the different sounds it makes as it's waves form, crest and break.....and the sound the rocks make on this section of foreshore. The rocks here croak. Yes, they do!  As the water runs back out into the river, the movement of the water and rocks together sound very much like Kermit with a head cold.

With realising that I was not hearing frogs and an extended amount of time on hands and knees as I searched for sea glass (and gave some walkers the sea glass bug it seemed), I also realised the cyclical nature of that which is glass and that which becomes sea glass.





And of the tactile nature of sand....and grit....and stones....such a soothing hand massage I had as I rubbed my hands thoroughly through the shell grit and pebbles.  It's a shame that it was still too cool a spring morning to be taking my boots off and giving my feet the same sort of 'pebble rub therapy'.  Can I patent this or has it already been done!??

....and a catfish named Francis.

As part of my new found sanity....or new found obsessiveness, I bought a lovely, huge, fully glazed pottery bowl from Mitre 10 in Kingston.  For the record - I had it on lay-by because it was the only way it was affordable.  My plan was to grow water plants and gold fish in it.  So I get it all set up and go get me some gold fish whom I named Thelma and Louise ( but of course) and thought - right - that's it.  However it became clear after a few days, that these fish were depressed....and so began my quest for a fish tank.

I've not had fish for over a decade so I had to start over and the best thing I could think of that might get things moving was a post on Hobart Freecycle.  It  worked and I ended up with a tank or two (both needing extra silicon), multiple pumps and in one instance - I got a fish as well.

Once the children realised there were goldfish in the bowl outside they became a little difficult to tear away from watching these poor fish in the tank.  Yes, Thelma and Louise perked right up once they got in the tank - and the water temperature was the same....and the pH level was also the same - perfect.  I bought two more fish in the hopes of cheering Thelma and Louise up even more - and a catfish.  And so began the children's naming of the fish.  

1 - Princess Yellow (Isaiah) 

2 - Boo (Elijah)

3 - Prince Gold (Micah)

4 - Bill - the Freecycle fish ( Malachi)

5 - Thelma or Louise (me)

6 - Francis the catfish (Malachi)

To date - each child has requested to feed the fish at various times of the day.  They've also taken to schmoodling the elderly cat, Fifi and, it's not strange to see the three younger ones perched on the desk next to the fish tank, watching the fish swim.  This, I think, is a good thing.  It is calming them.  Alas - the one who needs it right now due to his reaction to his asthma steroids, isn't doing it.  Poor sausage!  

Anyway - I'm starting to feel blissed out with my plants and fish.  I wish the body felt the same as today I have an overload of cold sores that developed overnight, a whopper headache and my sinuses are cactus plus, mouse number 6 was caught in the trap.  First one in a week but still!

Cheers

M.

Getting Motivated

Several things have fallen by the wayside when it comes to so called New Years Resolutions, either because physically there's a problem or mentally there's a problem.  After another month of feeling almost murderous, I went to the doctor and told him I felt a little psycho and described various things to him and came away with a prescription for Lovan to try and assist.  I get home and find out it's another name for Prozac.  So here I am, the Prozac Princess, wondering what else is going to happen.

Turns out - I should have gone to the doctor months ago - if not years ago.  After two weeks on the drug, I started feeling like I wanted to 'create' something - do something....anything!  Then one morning I woke  up with a smile on my face....and I was happy, not just having a great sleep - but I was happy.  I had an epiphany that felt rather shocking to me.  I'd been suffering depression, not just premenstrual dysphoric disorder but depression as well. And the drug was helping.  I was really and truly shocked because I hadn't necessarily 'felt' depressed all the time.  Takes a while to remember and realise that that in itself was a problem because I'd been denying a lot!  Anyway.....we shall see how it goes at 'that' time of the month, whether or not the drug assists with PMDD as well as it's worked on my moods so far.  I'm noticing a slight change in how I'm feeling so I'm continuing to monitor as I go.

So on to the reason behind the blog.  I decided I wanted to get creative again so joined a Paint Shop Pro learning group.  I don't necessarily need to learn, but refresh - and I needed somewhere to post my results of my lessons - so this is it!  Hahahaha!   I might add - this first one below - that is NOT one from my course.  It's just one I did.  Doll by Cybrea Stock.  I've long since lost most of the 'how-to' so I've got to relearn so much!

Cheers!