Live Life Your Way

Chatting, commenting briefly  last night to Hunny the Husband regarding my years of anxiety and social phobia and vomiting before anything at all. We as people can now talk about that side of mental health, more freely. But still I am so frustrated that I just want to scream I told you so! I told you and I told you and I told you.

All those years people thought I was making excuses because I wasn't doing or wouldn't do what they wanted me to do....or even what they needed me to do. Anxiety is like being lost in a giant washing machine where you never know when the cycle is going to change - when you never know when the anxiety is going to hit. And when you try but you just can't. You are frozen and cannot find your way clear. Or when you try, and embarrass yourself - and you prefer embarrassment because it's better than the fear and anxiety eating away at you and you prefer to be regarded as an idiot, fake, clown, airhead, uncaring, blase, silly, stupid or just plaid vapid. Or when your choices are questioned every step of the way and you can no longer trust yourself to breath without crying.

My first panic attacks began were when I was 14 or 15. The year was 1985, I just don't remember whether it was before or after my birthday. My thoughts are I was still 14 as a comment made to be me by a co-boarder (boarding school girlie) was made early enough in the year for me to tell her to stop being stupid. I was entering my fourth year at boarding school. I now know the trigger. And I made friends and met new people, smoked ciggies and drank alcohol when I could, until the end of my status as an illegal drinker. There was an interim where I was no longer the crazy, ditzy creature I portrayed. I was literally an airhead because it's all I could do. I was confused. I was hurting and most importantly - I had no clue what was going on inside me. At one point I was the only person in my very small group of friends who was not yet 18. And I had to put up with my friends quite verbally making it known they were responsible for me to get into a pub because I was under age. Then this...this thing happened. I'm not sure how or when but the fear and anxiety took over. I lost myself in that washing machine of chaos.

And it was then that everything changed within my friendship group. I was now 'legal' and the like - but unlike the others I was looking for work while they were working. Again - out of step with my peers, and wrapped in anxiety for days before an interview. And I guess - when I had no income and everywhere I went was bus or on shanks' pony, i fell out of the slipstream. I had one - two maybe friends who I could count on if they were available. I will be eternally grateful to them. Because, when your friendships become conditional and all it would have taken would be for someone to say I believe you. Maybe I could have been pulled back.

Just a simple phrase or two. Like, I understand. I won't give up on you. And, I believe IN you. As years have passed, I know these same people have ALL reached similar points in their life's journey and for a variety of reasons. No-one is the same. And no, they've not reached out to me. The one person who could empathise - me - was not part of any support required by these people. I only found out by accident so hey - I wasn't even on their radar except for once or twice a year when we'd all jump to attention for a catch up.

Only twice have I been apologised to and once was for a specific moment in time by someone who was not my peer. The other was accompanied by - I'm sorry, we didn't know. You know what? You did know! I told you and I told you and I told you. I told you stuff I couldn't tell anyone else thinking I'd be safe. And yes, I'm talking to you. On behalf of all of those who were never heard when they spoke, I AM talking to all of you.

But you see, you never made the connection. I never made the connection and because WE didn't understand how the world and life and experiences all add up to make us who we are, there were chances and choices and opportunities missed. And our personalities and who we have become have been altered by those missed opportunities as much as if we had had them.

The world is all tied up in one giant anxiety knot because we don't know if we can cope with the next blow. So we all act out in an effort to deal with the pressures of the unknown instead of embracing life.

Instead of being happy for what we have; instead of sharing ourselves unconditionally, we are busy jumping on the ME train on the track to I WANT, at the cost of everything that matters.

But in a world so busy minding it's own business and yours as well, we must grab onto the smallest little thing that can bring the light to us. Something, anything, that will give us hope - a reason to wake up, a reason to smile and a reason for laughing. The cheerful young woman at the supermarket can make a person's day. Saying thank you and wishing someone else on the other end of the phone at a call centre can make their day. You may not be the next big music thing, or the girl who designs an antigravity device. You may not design the perfect home or save someone's life on a daily basis, but there is always a choice to smile or frown.

Love your family and friends more loudly. Laugh out loud for real, not just on the social feeds. Find your joy in life. And smile with compassion at the bullies who can only feel good by making others feel bad. You are not their problem.